Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Reply: Confused

Something is different. something has changed within me, i don't know what it is but i feel it. A little confusion would mean uncertainty and that's what i'm feeling now. The Honesty's vague response to you would mean sureness of what's ahead. But i'm not certain. I am still on the state of where i am suppose to be now. Someone who lives and breathes Happiness and creates a world full of questions that could and should suffice my thirst for Clarity.

I have imagined my life to be as supposedly a life without you. A life that never creates doubt for myself. I have never doubted my sort of likeness to you because i really do but the doubt that really suppresses the eagerness of knowing what's inside of me, that's killing me now. It's quite fascinating that for someone to have just gotten from a worse and down hard painful breakup would feel a strong connection to someone that fast. Before i met you, i already set my heart to slow down and dig deep. It is not only to protect my feelings but to protect you as well. But as stupid as a heart can be, my "like" came rushing like train.But the doubts came rushing like a bullet.

I don't know myself sometimes. I hate it when i don't. Could someone give me a pill that could increase my maturity level?, because if there is i would totally buy it. You told me that, "Growing up is different from Growing old". Can i grow up fast? Is there an easy way to have that?. I am still young but not too young to act abruptly. Calculated assessments and total justification should be made in order for me to have a good result. But i can never assure myself that it's gonna go my way. Exploring things really do hurt me sometimes, BIGTIME. But it does works most of the time though.

I dont know. If you're boggled. I am "boggle-ier". I really don't know. I guess i just have to wait for you to come back and decide what's best for you. But for now, i'll just have to sit back and wait for your return. Making a list of my sweet articles of my everyday Insanity agenda. Living a life full of shits and assholes and sweet chocolates and vanillas. You're buddy would still be here for you no matter. Supporting you, cheering you on. Because that's what a good bestfriend, partner, lover, husband or wife should be.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Filipino Pride? or Filipinos are so Proud?

Oh Man! I am completely disgusted with Filipinos who settled for behaving like shit on there comments towards how great filipino talents are and crap.

I am a huge American Idol fan. I'm crazy about it. Wishing that i was born and raised in America and so i could spend my time voting for my favorite contestants for 2 hours every single week. But favorably, i am very happy that I'm a 5 feet 7 inches tall, brown skinned, black hair,  Filipino guy who is so pampered by my ever supportive full blooded Pinoy parents who raised me with so much love. Yes, I am a Filipino and i'm freakin' Proud of it! But seriously, comments on youtube that says "Oh she's so great coz She's Filipino!" Now, that is so bias! The hell i care if she's filipino?, the pipes that is naturally God given to her is not based on her nationality. i understand that we should be proud and  be supportive of this woman but their is a line that needs to be drawn so it wont annoy others who visited her video just to praise solely on her talent and performance.

The "SHE" that I'm talking about is Jessica Sanchez is a Filipino-Mexican-American Singer from San Diego, California. She is one of the top 13 finalists of the Eleventh Season of American Idol. The funny thing is that their are only a few Mexicans who commented, that says that  they are proud of her because she's Mexican! The video is bombarded of comments by these "Proud" Filipinos. This is actually not the first time that i got irritated. It is not surprising that when it comes to the singing department, our race really does have what it takes to win. We have a cluster of different great singers and performers. However, it is very rare for us to have someone pierced through the Hollywood scene and make it big and so every time that someone becomes known, we filipinos, tend to make a BIG irritating SHOUT OUT out of it.

One thing is for sure. Regardless of someone's heritage, sex, gender preference, looks, we must appreciate what we see in them that makes them special. Never put a finger on something that is fixed and given. Talent is honed and is never put on. Filipinos are talented indeed, but talent is rare. Not all filipinos can sing, dance, act etc. See my point?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sense of Modesty

 After I've been nagged  at by my director of a certain theatre company where i'm a part of, because of me not being modest enough for his liking.I've come up with a dilemma for myself. Am i unconsciously devouring myself to shame through the words i choose to speak and the actions i choose to show?

I am this dude who always, i mean always, lazy to even send a text message to inform someone in a higher position of what, where and whom i'm with. It has been my habit ever seen that if somebody informed me of an event, activity, meeting, party and they would ask me to come and to confirm that i would, i dont even give a damn. They will just be shocked to see me on the other side of the gate waiting for them to open it up. That also goes to show that It's also been the frustration of my mom that i would never care to inform her of what i'm doing. I can pretty much say that i'm such a loner. I can live on my own, or is it just me that believes that i can (pretty doubtful).

However, this habit would normally cause separation of bond with the person whom you're connected to, especially those whom you mingle with every single day. Surprisingly, even though i understand and i believe that i'm aware of what i do, I still have no balls to change it. Maybe I'm lazy AGAIN, to act on it and prove that change is achievable. Creating a facade of a person who never wants to conform on what's normal and always defy what is suppose to be done. Assuming that it's okay when in fact it's not. I guess i do have personality issues on my side, I suppose creating this Man whom i believe can simply get away, and somehow leave it without nobody notices it.

Going back to the reason why i was nagged by my director. The reason is that i haven't got the power to key in the letters from the keypad and form words to explain that i couldn't attend our practice nor dial the numbers and just call. How modest of me. Frustrated, my director,friend and mentor bursts his fury on me. He never meant and intended to do that but in his case he seems to have a grasp to give me a slap on my face and tell me how ridiculous my actions are. He felt insulted and disrespected. I did not expect that not sending a text message would make a man, shout his lungs out. By the time he uttered this line, "where is your sense of Modesty Dan??" and BOOM! it became COCOCRUNCH!. toinks, kidding aside. It really hit me. The shame that i felt was intense. I could not even look at him straight eye to eye. my head is as heavy as a boulder, i could not even lift my head up high.

Writing this on my blog, thinking this will be my first article, is pretty shameful and literally i just did bury myself alive. Bloggers would think, Ah this Kid is immature, still has to grow up, still needs guidance, why the heck is he writing this. Learning the hard way is probably the Best way for me to learn. All i want is to share this experience and i hope i could be an agent of change for somebody who still doesn't have the sense of Modesty in his Good Morals and Right conduct's list.