After I've been nagged at by my director of a certain theatre company where i'm a part of, because of me not being modest enough for his liking.I've come up with a dilemma for myself. Am i unconsciously devouring myself to shame through the words i choose to speak and the actions i choose to show?
I am this dude who always, i mean always, lazy to even send a text message to inform someone in a higher position of what, where and whom i'm with. It has been my habit ever seen that if somebody informed me of an event, activity, meeting, party and they would ask me to come and to confirm that i would, i dont even give a damn. They will just be shocked to see me on the other side of the gate waiting for them to open it up. That also goes to show that It's also been the frustration of my mom that i would never care to inform her of what i'm doing. I can pretty much say that i'm such a loner. I can live on my own, or is it just me that believes that i can (pretty doubtful).
However, this habit would normally cause separation of bond with the person whom you're connected to, especially those whom you mingle with every single day. Surprisingly, even though i understand and i believe that i'm aware of what i do, I still have no balls to change it. Maybe I'm lazy AGAIN, to act on it and prove that change is achievable. Creating a facade of a person who never wants to conform on what's normal and always defy what is suppose to be done. Assuming that it's okay when in fact it's not. I guess i do have personality issues on my side, I suppose creating this Man whom i believe can simply get away, and somehow leave it without nobody notices it.
Going back to the reason why i was nagged by my director. The reason is that i haven't got the power to key in the letters from the keypad and form words to explain that i couldn't attend our practice nor dial the numbers and just call. How modest of me. Frustrated, my director,friend and mentor bursts his fury on me. He never meant and intended to do that but in his case he seems to have a grasp to give me a slap on my face and tell me how ridiculous my actions are. He felt insulted and disrespected. I did not expect that not sending a text message would make a man, shout his lungs out. By the time he uttered this line, "where is your sense of Modesty Dan??" and BOOM! it became COCOCRUNCH!. toinks, kidding aside. It really hit me. The shame that i felt was intense. I could not even look at him straight eye to eye. my head is as heavy as a boulder, i could not even lift my head up high.
Writing this on my blog, thinking this will be my first article, is pretty shameful and literally i just did bury myself alive. Bloggers would think, Ah this Kid is immature, still has to grow up, still needs guidance, why the heck is he writing this. Learning the hard way is probably the Best way for me to learn. All i want is to share this experience and i hope i could be an agent of change for somebody who still doesn't have the sense of Modesty in his Good Morals and Right conduct's list.